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Anything Goes
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This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon a redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.
"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.
The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.
So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"
The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."
"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.
"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The b---- ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
posted 9 months ago
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the **** and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
posted 9 months ago
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man f@rts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's f@rt football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man f@rts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of f@rting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
posted 9 months ago
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Well, why not? I think this would be a nice addition. We all need to laugh at the end of a long day. :) I for one, love to laugh sadly, I only know spanish joke. :)
posted 9 months ago
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Ok... wanna hear a "dirty" joke?
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The pig played in the mud!
I know it's dumb, but you laughed. lolposted 9 months ago
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So, the payroll clerk keeps trying to get the blonde employee to sign up for the company 401k and she keeps refusing. He finally asks her why she won't sign up and she says, "I could never do a 401k. Do you have any idea how far that is to run?"
posted 9 months ago
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Navigating through a maze of shorts, short shelved shirts and shoes, I see a finish line mat located in the center of department clothing store. Confused, I ask a store clerk, “Are you guys having a race in here?”
The clerk explains, “We are beating the heat and have a huge clearance on our winter inventory.”
“On your left!” someone exclaims behind me. I jump out of the way as a runner zooms over the chipping finish mat.
Still perplexed I ask, “How do you get runners to buy your winter clothing?”
“Easy,” the clerk says. “This is a sweater sale.”
posted 9 months ago
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One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
posted 9 months ago
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A man was out on his sail boat one day when a really bad storm came that left him in the water swimming for his life. The man then starting praying and asking God to send him some help so he wouldn't drown. God answered back and told him he would help.
Another sail boat came by and asked if he needed help, but the man replied "I'm waiting on God". Then a helicopter called out from above and asked him if he needed a rope. The man replied the second time "I'm waiting on God". After that a small plane landed and once again asked him if he needed help. The man said no I tell you "I'm waiting on God" for help.
Soon the man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there and saw God he asked why God, why didn't you help me when I was drowning. God replied you silly man I sent you a sail boat, a helicopter, and a small plane. It's your fault you didn't get on.
posted 9 months ago
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A Love Story
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
posted 9 months ago
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Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."
The other man says "fxxx off, you're jokin aren't u?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a @$$ when you're drunk Superman"
posted 9 months ago
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What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"This is the only joke I know. Hope you liked it!
posted 9 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man f@rts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's f@rt... read more
Great jokes! Thanks for sharing. Thanks for starting this forum, we all need a couple of laughs.
posted 9 months ago
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in reply to what Leslie G. said:What did zero say to eight? "Nice belt!" This is the only joke I know. Hope you liked it!
I read it a few times, and I just got it now. lol. Thanks Leslie.
posted 9 months ago
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in reply to what Jackie said:Great jokes! Thanks for sharing. Thanks for starting this forum, we all need a couple of laughs.
Indeed we do. More soon.... =)
posted 9 months ago
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
"because 7 8 9 "posted 9 months ago
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Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house..
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
posted 9 months ago | edited 9 months ago
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in reply to what Rod K. said:Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the wo... read more
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
posted 9 months ago | edited 9 months ago
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Bill Gates dies and goes to h3ll.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
posted 9 months ago
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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, PapaA few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
VinnieAt 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnieposted 9 months ago
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in reply to what Tanya said:So, the payroll clerk keeps trying to get the blonde employee to sign up for the company 401k and she keeps refusing. He finally asks her why she won't sign up and she says, "I could never do a 401k. Do you have any idea how far that is to ... read more
Great blonde joke! I haven't heard that one before.
posted 9 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son a... read more
Okay, I laughed out loud at that one!! That was great. Thanks!
posted 9 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son a... read more
Love it!! LOL :)
posted 9 months ago
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases, it was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
That afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school he was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now
tell us where you really were after school.""We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sx Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
posted 9 months ago
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Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
posted 9 months ago
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A basketball coach was having a hard time inspiring one of his star players.
"What is your problem?" He yelled. "Is it ignorance or apathy?"
The player replied, "I don't know and I don't care."
posted 9 months ago
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LOL...i like it!
posted 9 months ago
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Canadian Scientists, after a lengthy study, have discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.....posted 9 months ago
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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'I want the name of the SOB who pushed me in.'
posted 9 months ago | edited 9 months ago
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What did the snail say as it was riding on the tortoise's back?
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
posted 8 months ago
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in reply to what Josh H. said:What did the snail say as it was riding on the tortoise's back? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
LOL, good and short. =)
posted 8 months ago
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THE GIFT
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30
yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
After 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
*stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate*
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
*help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.*THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.FRIDAY:
Belinda?..I hate her more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world!! Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader! If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
*if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@*
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my wife, the poor misguided soul, will choose a gift for me that is
fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy.posted 8 months ago
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After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and Plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV"
posted 8 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven. God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the re... read more
Hahahahaha......I love that blonde joke! One I hadn't heard b4. that was GREAT!
posted 8 months ago
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A man is driving down a country lane when his car conks out.
He gets out, looks under the bonnet to see what the problem might be. Not being mechanically minded he can't see what's wrong.
He then hears a voice say "You need to clean the sparkplugs"
He looked around,but could only see a white horse looking over a gate.
He turned back to the engine and still couldn't see the problem when he hears " I'm telling you, you need to clean the spark plugs."
He looked around in time to see that it was the horse that was speaking.
He quickly took out the sparkplugs, cleaned them and turned on the ignition. It started first time and he raced off down the lane.
The first pub he came across he stopped at, got out of his car and raced inside.
He said to the landlord "Give me a large whisky, I'm in shock!"
"What's happend?" said the landlord
The man relayed the story to him.
The landlord looked at him sympathetically and said "It's a good job you didn't come across the black horse in the next field."
"Why?" said the man.
"He doesn't know anything about cars"posted 8 months ago
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman..
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauceposted 8 months ago
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered..
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high."
posted 8 months ago
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Great jokes on here! I'll have to pick my old brain and come up with some... :-)
posted 8 months ago | edited 8 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:I read it a few times, and I just got it now. lol. Thanks Leslie.
Were you on the 999th step when it happened?
posted 8 months ago
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in reply to what Jeff C. said:Were you on the 999th step when it happened?
LOL, no I took the elevator - I was in heels and God forbid I trip while laughing.
posted 8 months ago
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A joke for our times...
The CEO was being briefed by the outgoing CEO on how to handle things. The old CEO told the new CEO there are three envelopes in the desk drawer and that he'll know when to open them.
Well, the first quarter goes by and the bottom line is not what was projected. The CEO realized it was time to open the first envelope. He did and it read "Claim unexpected and unpredictable market factors". He went to the board meeting and did as the letter instructed. All the board members agreed this could be the case. So the CEO was cleared.
After the second quarter the bottom line was even worse. Now worried, the CEO opened the second envelope and read the letter. It said "Claim overall industry slump". Once again the board met and the CEO used the advise given in the letter. Luckily he was off-the-hook again.
At the end of the third quarter, to the surprise of the CEO, the bottom line was truly dead and he was very worried. Again he went to the desk and retrieved the third and final letter. He opened it and read it's contents: "Go get three envelopes..."
posted 8 months ago
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Once upon a time a man was in a drug store with his son. The son had stopped at the condom rack and was looking at all the selections. He asked about the singles that were on the rack. His father told him those were for high school boys to keep in their wallets for occasional use. The little boy then saw a six-pack and asked about those. His dad told him there were for the high-powered guys that go out almost every night and they were labeled Monday, Tuesday, etc. The boy then spied a twelve pack of condoms and was in awe but found the voice to ask. His wise father told him they were for married couples and they are labeled January, February, March, etc.
posted 8 months ago
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My favorite joke and you can tell it in any group!
Once a traveling salesman was going through farm country on back roads. He came to a spot where a large puddle was stretched all the way across the dirt road on which he was traveling. He stopped his car and surveyed the situation as there was no way to go around the puddle. He then saw the local farmer sitting on his tractor taking a break. He called the farmer over and asked him if it would be OK to drive his new car through the puddle. The farmer assured him driving through the puddle would not be a problem. Thanking the farmer, the salesman got in his car and proceeded confidently into the puddle. To his surprise his new car sank completely out of sight upon entering the puddle. The salesman came to the surface of the puddle and pulled himself out. He walked over to the farmer who had witnessed the event and angrily asked him "I thought you said it would be OK to drive through the puddle?" The farmer looked at the salesman while making a horizontal motion across his chest with his hand and said, "I don't understand. It only comes up to here on my ducks!"
posted 8 months ago
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A duck walked into a bar, sat on the stool and asked the barman for a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich.
The bar man say's, "You're a duck!"
"I see your eyesight is good" said the duck "now can I have a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich please?"
"But you can talk!" said the barman
"Your hearing is fine too. Now how about that pint of beer and a cheese sandwich?"
The barman starts pouring the beer "Please forgive me. I've never met a talking duck before. You're new in town aren't you?"
"Yes. I'm a plasterer working here on a four week contract" He replied.
"Well. A talking duck and a plasterer. Wow!" Said the barman as he handed over the beer and sandwich.
The duck then took out a newspaper and read it while he drank his beer and ate his sandwich.
The duck came into the pub every lunch time and ordered the same every day for the next three weeks.
One day a ringmaster came into the pub and asked the barman if he can put his poster up to advertise the circus is in town.
"Sure." said the barman. "While you're here I know someone you might be interested in." and goes on to tell the ringmaster about the duck.
"Yes. I would be very interested in meeting this duck. Here's my card. Can you give it to him when he comes in please"
"Sure" said the barman "He'll be in this lunch time. I'll give it to him then"
Sure enough, lunchtime came and the duck walked in and ordered the usual.
"I met the ringmaster of the circus today and I told him all about you" said the barman "He said he's very intersted in you and gave me his card to give to you." Are you interested?"
"A ringmaster?" Asked the duck
"Yes" Said barman
"A ringmaster for the circus?"
Barman: "Yes that's right"
Duck: "That big canvas tent at the end of the street?"
Barman: "Yes, that's the one."
Duck: "What would someone in a tent want a plasterer for?"posted 8 months ago
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Man walks into a bar...ouch!!!
posted 8 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man f@rts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's f@rt... read more
I am ready to go on my ride, & I need a pick up, so I was scanning the jokes. I just read your fart joke & I am laughing so hard I have tears coming down!!! :-) Thanks so much, I really needed that, You have a GREAT sense of humor!!! I will be chuckling the whole ride I am sure!
posted 8 months ago
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A teacher is taking a group of inner city youngsters to a small English farm to expose them to country life.
She shows them the barns, the farm house, the duck pond and the hen house.
When lunch time arrives she told the children to take their packed lunches and go out into the farm and make note of the various sounds they hear whle they are taking their break.
After lunch they all meet up with the teacher and she starts to ask individuals the same question starting with:
Suzie: Please make the noise of something you heard on the farm today."
"Oink. Oink. Oink" She said.
Teacher: "Very good Suzie. Is that a pig?" She asked.
"Yes miss." Said Suzie.
"Billy. What noise did you hear?"
"Cluck. Cluck. Cluck." said Billy
"Excellent. Was that a chicken Billy?"
"Yes miss." Said Billy
"Madeline what noise did you hear?"
"Baa. Baa. Baa." Said Maddy
"That was easy." Said teach "That's a sheep isn't it?"
Maddy said yes.
The teacher then turned to Johnny at the back of the group and asked. "Johnny, what did you hear on the farm today?"
"Get off that F#@*!%g tractor" Said Johnnyposted 8 months ago
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in reply to what Gary W. said:A teacher is taking a group of inner city youngsters to a small English farm to expose them to country life. She shows them the barns, the farm house, the duck pond and the hen house. When lunch time arrives she told the children to take their p... read more
LOL, I love the "Johnny" jokes. They're never ending. Thanks for posting!
posted 8 months ago | edited 8 months ago
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Why did the blonde sniff Sweet n Low?.............................................................................She thought it was Diet Coke
posted 8 months ago
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The guys were all at a deer camp No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."posted 8 months ago
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totally gross yet funny!
posted 8 months ago
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter';
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
posted 8 months ago
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to f @ rt. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my f @ rts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
posted 8 months ago
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Great post, keep the jokes coming!
posted 7 months ago | edited 7 months ago
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An old man and an old woman fell in love and got married. They decided they wanted to have children. So they go to the doctor to see if it even possible.
The doctor listens to their story and tells the man that he will need a 'specimen' for testing. The doctor gives the man a jar, tells him to go home, get the sample and bring it back tomorrow.
The next day the man and wife return but there is no 'specimen.' The doctor asks what the problem was.
The old man tells the doctor he tried as hard as he could. He first tried with his right hand and when it got tired he tried with his left. He said then the old woman had a try. She tried with her right till it tired out, then tried with her left. He then said the old woman even tried with her mouth! But danged if they could get the lid off the jar!
posted 7 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me... read more
i love this one!
posted 7 months ago
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in reply to what Greg S. said:An old man and an old woman fell in love and got married. They decided they wanted to have children. So they go to the doctor to see if it even possible. The doctor listens to their story and tells the man that he will need a 'specimen' for testi... read more
LOL Good one Greg! Thanks! =)
posted 7 months ago
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An old man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The old man decides he wants some milk and apple pie and he asks his wife if she wants some too. She tells him, "Yes, I do and be sure to write it down because your memory is so bad, you'll forget what it was you were going to get by the time you get to the kitchen! Your memory just isn't as good as mine!"
"I will not forget!" he replies. He starts to walk away but she stops him.
She shakes her head and writes down "pie" and "milk" and a small sheet of paper. She hands it to him and he shuffles off the the kitchen. Sure enough when he walks into the kitchen, he forgets what he is there for. He sees where his wife has written him a note and he remembers.
The old man returns to the bedroom the pie and milk and his wife just stares at him. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She replies, "I told you I wanted coffee and doughnuts!"
posted 7 months ago
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I was visiting a Welsh village and popped into the local pub for a pint. While standing at the bar a chap walks up to the side of me and orders a drink. I turned and looked at him and noticed he had a perfect flat head and the right side of his face was also perfectly flat. Well, I had never seen such a thing and once he left the bar to sit down I started sniggering. "What's so funny?" asked the barman. I said to him that the man sitting over there has this perfectly flat head and the right side of his face is also perfectly flat. "He looks so funny!"
"Don't laugh at him Englishman!" said the barman "He's the village hero!"
I asked how come?
"Well" He said "Years ago, we had a cave-in in one of the coal mines. That man there stood under one of the wooden bearers and held up the mine roof while twenty men escaped with their lives."
"That is amazing!" I gasped
"So that's how he got his flat head then?"
"Yes" said the barman
"How did he get the side of his face flattened?" I asked
"That's where they wedged him in with a plank!" said the barmanposted 7 months ago | edited 7 months ago
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Ok, take it lightly so I hope no one gets offended:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed classes use it.Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!!"Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.posted 7 months ago
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Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a
nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt
cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar.His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"posted 7 months ago
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
posted 7 months ago
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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
posted 7 months ago
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A guy walks into a bar. Hits his head.
posted 7 months ago
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And we wonder how this country got in to the shape it's in!! Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent. A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa'' his response -- click.
A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if she could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
Senator Mary Landrieu, Louisiana, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.posted 7 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:THE GIFT Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago,... read more
Love it! LOL!
posted 7 months ago
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in reply to what ·· Jöyce said:The guys were all at a deer camp No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakf... read more
ROFL. best one yet!
posted 7 months ago
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An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"posted 7 months ago
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cool jokes.. LoL. thanks for the smiles on my face.
posted 7 months ago
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Did you hear the one about the two Irish guys that walked by a pub?
It could happen!
posted 6 months ago
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in reply to what Greg S. said:Did you hear the one about the two Irish guys that walked by a pub? It could happen!
lol, heck even i won't walk by a pub. thanks Greg. =)
posted 5 months ago
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A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses.
Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna sh*t yourself when you hear the price."posted 5 months ago
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2 blondes walk into a building, you'd think one of them would have seen it
posted 5 months ago
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Why do blondes like adjustable steering wheels ..............more head room
posted 5 months ago
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Q: What is the one thing a 65 year old woman can have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman can't?
A: Her bellybutton!
posted 5 months ago
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in reply to what Gary W. said:A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very em... read more
lol, good one Gary! Thanks!
posted 5 months ago
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Great Post !!
posted 5 months ago
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He gets there and she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all sweetheart, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to just relax . . . . have a glass of wine, then put all these dam Frosted Flakes back in the box."
posted 5 months ago
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A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!
posted 5 months ago
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"Nooooo, I'm your son's teacher."
posted 5 months ago
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Ha! That is really good!
posted 5 months ago
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So, this baby seal walked into a club...
posted 5 months ago
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What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into the saloon?
"Who shot my PAW?!"
posted 5 months ago
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OK, my last one (for a while), and my favorite:
Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.
posted 5 months ago
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in reply to what Darrel W. said:OK, my last one (for a while), and my favorite: Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questi... read more
LOL, hilarious! Thanks for adding to the post Darrel! =)
posted 5 months ago
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I just spent almost 20 mins reading these and laughing very hard... Made my day thats for sure!
posted 5 months ago
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
posted 5 months ago
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
posted 5 months ago
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After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is
unable to perform anymore. He goes to see his doctor, and the
doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and
refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at
a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, as a last
resort, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this, no problem," and he
throws some powder on a flame. There is a bright flash with
billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, "This is a very powerful healing but you
can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and
it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
"As long as I wish!" says the guy excitedly, so I can make love
to my wife multiple times?
"As many times as you desire" says the witch doctor" "When you
wish it to go down all you have to say is '1234' and it will go
down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"
The guy can hardly wait to get home and surprise his wife with
the good news....So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123",
and suddenly he gets an amazing erection.
His wife turns over and says . . ."What did you say 123 for?"posted 4 months ago
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What's yellow and smells like green paint?
Yellow paint.
posted 4 months ago
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A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
posted 4 months ago
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"posted 4 months ago
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Of all the funny jokes, this one made me laugh the most. I'm a dork.
posted 4 months ago
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An old Native American man was walking the street in Oklahoma City. Whenever he came upon a pretty woman he would hold up his right hand and say "Chance". This went on for a while when finally one woman said "I thought Indians always said "How"". To which the old Chief replied...."Know how, just want chance!"
posted 3 months ago
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Not my joke but funny none the less.
IRS:
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
posted 2 months ago
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in reply to what Lenny G. said:Not my joke but funny none the less. IRS: IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifesty... read more
Thanks, good one! LOL
posted 2 months ago
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