“Running through fear, running with trust” is the fourth post in a series about the human side of dailymile: How We Succeed. As a part of this series, dailymilers write about their experiences as athletes struggling to overcome obstacles and solve problems with the help of their friends on dailymile. Being an athlete makes our bodies stronger, but having the support of a crowd of athletes makes our minds stronger. This series highlights the side of training that requires more than muscle power. To submit your story, email the editor.
This week’s post comes to us from an anonymous author. We do have permission from the author to publish this post, but it is our wish to keep the author’s name protected. A note from the author: “Please know that we are doing fine. This year is shaping up to be better. Things were a little rough for a bit. Just know that dailymile is helping to save lives in the truest sense of the phrase.”
I was not going to share but I believe in give and take, and several of you have shared intimate moments of your past on this site so I’ll do the same.
My spouse and I have been in a bad financial situation the past few years. Money has been really tight especially with the economy being depressed. Our living arrangements are less than enviable. With the trip we had planned last fall it took assistance from family at the last minute just to get in the door (that had not been our plan or intentions) and the stress was eating at my spouse. Not to mention I was all over the place with new online friends. He had yet to “get” the amazing resource dailymile is for me/us. He was also concerned that I may have been “looking” for someone new. He said that he just didn’t (nor could ever) look like “those people”, i.e. really fit. He really gets down at times and looks for reasons to fail before he even tries.
So when people get desperate they seek desperate solutions. I don’t know how serious the situation was, or how close it came, but he considered “creating” a situation where I could cash in the life insurance so our children and I would be taken care of. So yeah, hearing that crushed me.
When I was in more fragile state years ago I had the same thoughts. Never shared that with anyone. Not my spouse. Not the therapist I saw for a while. No one. But hearing that he had the same thoughts reaffirmed that the fact that when you truly love someone no consideration for their happiness or comfort is off the table.
So anyway, I assured my spouse I wasn’t looking for anyone or anything different. I have no intention to replace the greatest love of my live. At the time I read the situation as his considering divorce, not suicide. But in realizing that ending his life was not an option – knowing the blow it would be to me, our children – he chose to live. And he chose to run.
Over time I introduced him to the dailymile community and all the people I know here. You all welcomed my spouse with warm open arms and truly made him feel welcome. I could not be more “touched” by the display of generosity or spirit.
The timing could not have been better. I didn’t know just how low he had been. As the community opens up and accepts new members into family dailymile continually displays social media is so powerful on a personal level.
The aftermath is that while it still crushes me to know he considered this as an option, and to realize I had absolutely no clue as to how much pain he was feeling, I know that he is making an effort and succeeding in becoming a stronger person. My spouse is making a solid commitment to exercise. The excuses are gone. Rather than saying “I can’t…” he is asking “would you help me to…”. So my love has been through a fire and has been reborn.
I have dailymile to thank for that. Rather than seeing the community or individual relationships as a threat, he is seeing the friendships as a support system. The support of dailymile is just what he needed. It is one thing to hear it from me – he can assume I want him to shape up to fit some ideal of what I want in a spouse. But to hear the encouragement from relative strangers shows that we all have worth and are capable of extending/receiving positive energy without regard for truly “knowing” someone.
It feels good to get it out. I needed time to get my thoughts in order and I’m smiling now.